4:03 AM, Thursday, November 19, 2009
Of a Weird and Horrible Dream
Last night , or rather this morning, since I slept at 4am, I had a long sleep all the way until 11am... Doesn't sound very long, but, I actually went to my parent's bed and continued sleeping till 2pm... Hence I did not go to school again. Totally sianz. I have to try and shift my sleeping pattern back to somewhat more normal, if not I will surely die next week with all my morning exams...
During that sleeping stint in my parent's bedroom, I had a very weird and long dream, to which I can only remember 2 parts. For the first part, I remember I was with some friends, but I can only remember
Chia Min. Weird that it contained her cos I don't see her or talk to her, the last time was during the primary school gathering months ago! We were supposed to meet up or something. So we were at this particular bench sitting down... And we were writing a birthday card. For who?? Oh my goodness, for
Kevin Ho! Or rather, now is
Kevin Mauerblume/ MasSelamat/ Verboten/ Chuck Ho. Whatever lah, all the lame middle names that he keeps changing just to attract attention. Did I mention I find his constant Facbook publishing actitivities very AA and irritating? All the unneeded status updates and stuff, just like another friend of mine...
Anyway it's absolutely disgusting that I'm writing a birthday message for him cos I do not see why I would be doing that!!! We are simply acquaintances, and you can see my impression of him. I am disgusted with my dream self, haha. Anyway, then
Chang Yi called and asked where were we, cos she was supposed to meet us and she was late. That's weird also cos this primary school friend, I have not seen for YEARSSSSS. Haiz. Maybe cos I looked at their FB profiles before. But that was quite some time ago.
I cannot remember much about what happened next, but the next important part that I remember was waking up groggily to find myself at an exam in an exam hall, sitting at this desk with papers in front of me. I noticed that it was a test with a MCQ component to it, since I had many bubble forms. That's weird, why would I need more than one bubble form? I had like 3 or 4. I looked at them carefully, and noticed that for each of them, they were blank except for this big embossed S drawn on a corner, either in front or behind the paper. An except was to the last piece of paper; it isn't exactly a bubble form; rather, it was a hand-drawn bubble form! All the underlines, boxes to separate every set of 10 questions, and all the circles were all drawn in pencil!!! And answers were shaded in accordingly. I was pretty much shocked. Then the next thing I knew, time was up and I had to hand in my paper. I panicked! I couldn't possibly hand in all these blank bubble forms, much less the fake one! In my dream, "I" remember doing the MCQs and shading a bubble form accordingly, and probably fell asleep after doing it, so I was wondering where did all my work go! I almost teared, and kept panicking. The person beside me told me to just hand in the fake one, but I was like, "It's no use! The machine would not be able to mark it!" Sadly, the invigilator walked up to me and I just gave her the fake one and started to cry. Boohoo.
I wondered and wondered. Then I woke up. As in really woke up. And I had a revelation. I had an inkling of who the culprit, who the saboteur was.
Must be
Kevin Nonsense Ho. Must be. The 2 events must be linked.
Haiz. Am I too stressed? Cannot be leh. I have not been studying much for the past three days that I have been at home and too lazy to go to school cos I kept on waking up late. At this rate, I will really, surely die. Die die die. When will I ever learn.
Let's hope miracles happen. If absurd things like writing a birthday card for Kevin can happen, I'm sure I can survive the next 2 weeks. Then it's hooray!!!
Time to sleep. Die lah.
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Birthdays, Disgusting, Dreams, Examinations, Horror, Weird
12:20 AM, Thursday, October 29, 2009
Of Cracks in the Earth without Roots
Hairline cracks.
This is sooooo so so so related to a previous of quite some time ago.
As things proceed on I get more confused, I get more enlightened, I get more confused again, I get more enlightened again.
I become more determined, I worry even more, I become more determined, I start to think even more.
Haiz. Who gets my point?
On a separate note, I finally cut my hair! And dyed it a little! Funny how my auntie keeps avoiding my question about how much it costs and stuff like that. I think I understand why, cos after all she charges me cheaper, and thus it's very hard to just set a price there and then like that, so only when it was time to pay, then she just take a nominal sum from my wallet. 15 dollars only leh!!! Woots. But of course it was just some simple dyeing not those like treatment and stuff I think. Never mind, first try. Woohoo. But my hair is still very frizzy right now. =(
And my father's hospital bill is quite scary. It's true, you can die on this island but you cannot fall sick here. Oh my god. I hope he's feeling much better everyday. It's like... the devil has slowly started his work, taking away strands and strands of life away from old people... And it sucks to see it happening to someone close to you. I dread what is inevitable. Really.
And I hate how wild and vivid my imagination runs. Like what I would do and be like if choychoychoychoychoy something happens to them suddenly. I could envision myself being a zombie in school, crying at the slightest provocation and stuff like that. Not nice at all.
And I'm feeling unwell. Kanasai. Body aches everywhere. Started last evening in school, felt super cold wherever I went, especially in the LT and in the soc room. Splitting headache, bodyache, etc etc. Had to go sleep immediately once I reached home, but even then, falling asleep was difficult. I only woke up at 4am to remove my contacts and change out of my clothes, cos I couldn't move about much before that. Skipped tutorial today, went PCC with
Weizheng and
Vanehneh. Thought I felt okay, especially after taking a Panadol pill. Didn't study at PCC lor... I only finished copying my Conformity notes. I realised PCC is not that great a place to study if you need to use your lappie cos the outside areas have no powerpoint at all. Sianz. And
Vanehneh was very high and giggly and self-amusing today. Funneh. Good to see her like that though. But
Weizheng was the contrast, emo-ing again...
Now the headache and aches are back. I ate Panadol, but not working??!! Argh. Luckily my internet worked after multiple tamperings with my lappie and the cables and etc.
La la la. Halloween is coming. But once again I probably cannot celebrate it again, cos I can't seem to find people interested enough to dress up for it. =( And there're the Dreyer's ice cream photo/video competition which I wanna take part in too. No entries so far, so easy to win!!! But... Haiyo. Sian. Total sianness.
Not
boomz at all.
Exactly one month minus one day to exams.
Like a root... less...
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Crack, Dye, Emo, Halloween, Ice Cream, Sick, Study
12:21 AM, Thursday, October 22, 2009
Of Hurt Or Not Hurt?
Which should be more correct?
When close friends or people who matter say hurtful stuff to you, whether its insults, teases. pranks or rejections, you know they are just joking, and cos they are your close friends, you should not take it to heart.
When close friends or people who matter say hurtful stuff to you, whether its insults, teases, pranks or rejections, it hurts even more, because what they say or do means even more to you and you feel worse.
Isn't it always the case that advice goes, "Do not take what strangers say to heart; their opinions don't matter"?
So accordingly, friends' do?
Or can you brush it aside, thinking it's nothing, and let them continue, cos you are close, so you should not "petty" about such stuff?
Is it really wrong to feel?
Over-sensitive?
Blah.
And it's not helping that my fucking laptop suddenly cannot play my CDs, only the DVDs.
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Emo, Laptop, Reflections
2:04 AM, Thursday, October 08, 2009
Of Creep
Creep by Damien RiceWhen you'e here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
Beautiful world
I wish I was special
So very special
I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I wanna perfect body
I wanna perfect soul
I want you to know this
I'm not around
So very special
I wish I was special
I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
So very special
I wish I was special
I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Nice song intro-ed by
Weizheng. =)
Great soc room clean up, and great MAF celebration tonight! =)
Sengedox signing off!
Labels: Creep, Damien Rice, i, Soci Soc, Songs
2:20 AM, Thursday, October 01, 2009
Of Going Back to Her
I realised, I have neglected
Jolin.
For the past month or even more, I have been busying myself with so many other things, some totally not important at all, like Dota and the like, and some that admittedly are important, like my studies.
I have even forgotten her birthday had just passed, until today.
I feel very sad.
It has been very long since I went to catch up on her news, to go click on the forums, to go look at her photos, to download them, to watch videos, etc etc. I remember searching for latest videos once or twice, but that was not enough. Although I listen to her songs for hours everyday, it is also not enough, cos the effort was not put in.
But I am glad I have gone back to her today. It's like how some of my Christian friends like to talk about them going back to God or that they realised thay have neglected Him, that kinda thing.
Jolin is just as important to me.
Jolin definitely helps whether I'm emo-ing or not.
I can't wait for the Love & Live album. =)
Love
Jolin.
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Jolin
12:46 AM, Sunday, September 27, 2009
Of Random Why Liddats
Last Wednesday, I was studying in school when
Munchee suggested eating Cornetto McFlurry, and she was enticing
Wilson,
Fuzhi and I with her constant depictions of slurping. I happened to be studying self-control in social psychology at that time, and I was listening to 热冬 by
Jolin at the point also, which had the line “不必再control” in it. In the end we all really couldn't control and walked to McDonald's to buy some. ALAS! It was sold out, and we were informed by the counter staff that that day was the last day too. So disappointing. It didn't help that we didn't have dinner together that night also, cos most of the soccer people zhao-ed.
Nessa had dinner with her family,
Brudder had tuition,
Twin went home with
Eric, etc etc. I was very sad.
But never mind. Cos when I went to Clementi, I decided to go buy Cornetto McFlurry! And I did! Yum yum. It was very nice indeed. I didn't have dinner in the end, only went home to cook noodles. Sho sadz.
Today I was talking to my friend, and she told me how I should smile more, and how some others felt like they did not know how to have a conversation with me. So sad to hear that, although I do realise it too. I don't know why... I think I'm like
Jaren in this part. And I think I suck at communication nowadays.
Gone are the days when I was all jumpy and happy-go-lucky. My friend set me thinking indeed. Have I been smiling much? Perhaps, only to certain people. And only to the camera? What happened...?
I went for CJLMXLB (That's Crystal Jade La Mian Xiao Long Bao) buffet with my OG peeps on Thursday at Holland V. Enjoyed myself very much! I ate more than 10 XLBs I swear. Yum yum! But we couldn't finish the other food that we ordered and were supposed to cook. Secretly, I think
Jun Yue shouldn't have been so adamant in ordering so much. In the end he also stopped eating when there were still a lot left. I was like, -_-. At least I finished the XLB I ordered... What was more infuriating actually was the fact that we wasted a lot of time after eating, resulting in
Xinglong,
Tzehao and I having to cab back home when I found out the next day we could still have rushed for the last train!!! (Last train from Joo Koon is 11.53pm, people!) Spare a thought for those who live further away leh.
I had a fun day yesterday too, being back at Holland V again, this time with some HCL friends, eating at Essential Brew and then later the sudden decision to sing at TopOne. As usual, TopOne still smells of smoke, and there were ah tiongs fighting in the next room. So stupid. What was even more dumb was how the person was pressing the password for their touchscreen panel twice in front of me, and damn was it an easy password. 123456789. In the end when time was up, we entered the password again so we sang one more song. HAHAHAHA.
Today I was pawned by my modem as well. Cut me off from the internet just as I was loading Stepford Wives to watch for my film review. Nabeh. I had no internet for like 4 hours, wasting my time away. Now I have to load the film again. Haiz.
Die die die die die. Essay due on Monday. Social psych test on Tuesday. Social psych powerpoint presentation due on Tuesday too. And another essay on next monday, plus another test next Wednesday, plus I suspect Devt is looming very close too. Cham cham cham. And I still have to go out tomorrow.
Time to study! Haiz.
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Buffet, Crystal Jade, Emo, Food, Friends, Jolin, Karaoke, Movie
10:53 PM, Friday, September 18, 2009
Of Sleep and Growing Emo Dilemma
It's finally mid term break!!! Today's Singapore Society test was... erm... I could have done better lah. Didn't really do my consolidation, so when the questions came out I just wrote whatever crap I knew since there was no time to flip throught the readings slowly.
Anyway after the test and after slacking in the Soc room for a while I set off alone heading towards Simei to give tuition. I boarded 96B and promptly fell asleep, considering that I only had 4 hours of sleep the previous night. Little did I know that I would sleep all the way till the MRT stop, and miss it. When I woke up, the bus was already turning at the road between the MRT station and the bus interchange, and I looked all around me to find no one else. Thinking the bus would turn into the interchange, I waited, but it didn't!!! So I had to make my prescence known. The uncle was quite shocked to see me, haha, and seemed to pity me quite a bit for being so tired, for uni students studying so hard, haha. Luckily he let me alight at the McDonald's stop, if not I would be back in school again. And that would be damn stupid. I was running late for my tuition anyway.
I fell asleep on the train too, once I managed to get a seat. When I woke up, I DID NOT miss my stop. I woke up at Bedok cos I was only half asleep, okay. But the whole point of this paragraph is that I woke up to find myself looking at an unzipped zip of a man in front of me. I was thinking how to tell him discreetly, hahaha... He was listening to music and looking at his phone... When the train was at Tanah Merah I tried raising and doing things with my eyes to try and catch his attention but he didn't see me... Surprisingly we both alighted at Simei, but he walked damn fast and had exited through another door. I walked equally fast to catch up with him, but there were always people inbetween us. In the end, I gave up when we turned different directions at the first floor. His dai ji already lah, so noob.
Anyway it's time for me to emo again!
Yesterday I had a really pleasant time with
Weizheng and
Vanehneh at PCC! It is Pacific Coffee Company for the uninitiated. We HTHT-ed a lot and found out a lot of things about each other! My progress during that whole session was only 2/3 of a reading, haha... I'm glad I know more now, and the info I learnt are useful in a sense in letting me emo to myself effectively about certain stuff, hahaha...
But...
When I think of it, I regret it. When I look, I suddenly feel like slapping myself. But I cannot control it! It's ingrained... How? I hate this dilemma. I tried and tried... This whole week I told myself to see how things are like. And again and again I hav proven to myself that it seems quite impossible. Yet, the other side is equally tempting. But I really cannot bring myself to do it. It is too selfish. That perfect scenario - does it even exist? I believe it is just some wishful thinking to justify my actions.
I guess I have to continue to observe, and see how. I cannot jeopardise anything. There isn't any side that I can exactly lean towards without thinking of the other side. It sucks that the want is so great and yet uncertain, the wanting to try is there, yet the not-wanting-to-hurt/think-too-much/worried-about-what-may-happen also manifests so convincingly.
Is there a place I can scream and shout out loud in whatever way I want? A place where I can sob and sing emo songs out with the most emotions? A place, space and time where I can perhaps try for the first time, what it is like to drink and drown in sorrows? Someone who can fully understand the catch-22 situation?
假装 by Jolin 蔡依林呼吸着一种孤独的味道
心跳在你沉默以后 慢慢的被淡忘掉
我笑了笑 反正你看不到
我要的幸福 遗落在你怀抱
当爱失了焦 那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮 走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了 穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道 我只想不被打扰
假装多好我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱 一直会让我依靠
继续等待 还心甘情愿的 不 想 逃
当爱失了焦 那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮 走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了 穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道 我只想不被打扰
假装多好我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱 一直会让我依靠
继续等待 心甘情愿不想逃
假装多好依然是依然是暧昧的同调
一个人无理取闹 两人世界的煎熬
我被自己 困在自己设下的 圈套
像是驼鸟相信时间是唯一解药
视而不见 傻到了无可救药
其实早明了你的爱已随风飘
想要找再也找不到
假装多好我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱 还心甘情愿的不想逃
假装多好依然是依然是暧昧的同调
一个人无理取闹 两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的 圈套
假装自己已解开冰冷的 手铐
冲动 by Elva 萧亚轩
很感激 這城市擁擠的交通
讓你我 還能多相處幾分鐘
人潮中 怕失散所以輕輕拉你的手
一刻不放鬆 不放鬆
忍不住 想要愛你的衝動
不確定你屬於我 會有點寂寞
你給的幸福 在我心中自由走動
撫平我每一個傷口
忍不住 想要吻你的衝動
不確定我的執著 能讓你感動
我只能相信自己感受 不怕失落
關於你的一切 我想要比誰都懂
我的心 是被你設定的鬧鐘
提醒我 想你的時間不夠用
為什麼 平淡的事情現在忽然生動
是你改變我 你改變我
忍不住 想要愛你的衝動
不確定你屬於我 會有點寂寞
你給的幸福 在我心中自由走動
撫平我每一個傷口
忍不住 想要吻你的衝動
不確定我的執著 能讓你感動
我只能相信自己感受 不怕失落
關於你的一切 我想要比誰都懂
你是情人 還是朋友
還沒勇氣 想得太多
你的世界 如此遼闊
我會在哪個角落
忍不住 想要愛你的衝動
不確定你屬於我 會有點寂寞
你給的幸福 在我心中自由走動
撫平我每一個傷口
忍不住 想要吻你的衝動
不確定我的執著 能讓你感動
我只能相信自己感受 不怕失落
關於你的一切 我想要比誰都懂一个人 by Jolin 蔡依林
从皮包里抽出我们的照片
沙发要移到客厅的另一边
晚饭后你可以多抽几口香烟
已经没什么人会埋怨
晴天阴天今天又是星期天
唯一的打算是醒得晚一些
反正我不知道怎样打发时间
出门或不出门没差别
一个人 到底应该睡右边或左边
两个人 连一次争吵都值得纪念
一个人 偶尔感到寂寞在所难免
你的气味还留在枕头边
一个人 我重新适应一切不方便
两个人 不一定就成全一个世界
一个人 关灯看见记忆的横切面
没有光线过去那些情节更明显
晴天阴天今天又是星期天
唯一的打算是醒得晚一些
反正我不知道怎样打发时间
出门或不出门没差别
一个人 到底应该睡右边或左边
两个人 连一次争吵都值得纪念
一个人 偶尔感到寂寞在所难免
你的气味还留在枕头边
一个人 我重新适应一切不方便
两个人 不一定就成全一个世界
一个人 关灯看见记忆的横切面
没有光线过去那些情节更明显
更明显 ***
Hoorayyyyyy midterm breakkkkk =D =D =D Although I have a lot of things to catch up on. Time to touch my textbooks and webcasts!!! Time to enjoy too hahahaha. Don't worry about me!
Sengedox signing off!
Labels: Confusion, Dilemma, Elva, Emo, Jolin, Sleep, Songs, Worried
