12:12 AM, Friday, February 17, 2012
Of And Isn't It Ironic
Gonna be doing a presentation on suicide for advanced abnormal class. How fucking ironic.
But I still have not gotten down to writing letters. I am too afraid. And I understand the irresponsiblity of it. Still wouldn't do it in the end, I think. No catastrophic trigger, yet.
Shall do my best for what is important for now.
2:20 AM, Monday, February 13, 2012
Of I am ENFP. That is Why.
Yeah, shouldn't have assumed that that post was for me,
Twin. That was the whole point isn't it? That I still seem to think that the world revolves around me. Which is so wrong. I apologise. Will try not to do that again. Haiz.
And I thought you all don't read my blog anymore. I really figured that this had sort of become me talking to myself already. But I believe Brudder really doesn't read this anymore.
It was just yesterday that I was in some emotive state once again, when Kenneth asked me to do this personality quiz, because he is really interested in areas of personality psychology. After taking the test, I turned to be a ENFP, which really isn't surprising. However, what was more important was the webpage he directed me to, which had tons of info about each personality type. And so I read this part about personal growth, and was really shocked at the stuff I read. I mean, it could also be confirmation biases on my part, but the webpage was really spot-on on the things I was experiencing, the way I was interpreting stuff, the way I handled situations, and why I am like what I am right now.
In a way, it was like a huge cloth had been lifted off as I began to sort of understand things better. I know why I feel this way now. And it's not being used as an excuse to continue things this way, but rather as new knowledge to know where to go from here.
I haven't had time to really process all the paragraphs and info though. But I know I can refer to it when I want to really sit down and think about things, and hopefully start changing, or adapting.
No wonder every few years I fall into this abyss of uncertainty and feel like shit all over, and wonder about my compatibility with reality itself. And every fall was deeper than the previous.
I may actually be beginning to understand myself better now.
I do hope the rest understands me more as well. But all this may be too late. I don't know.... I don't know. I really don't want to think so much now. I can't afford to.
Dance is really stressing me up right now. I am really comfortable in all the different parts already, except the dance crew item. I still suck so much at it I really wonder why am I inside. I get so angry at myself when I can't even get the start of Circle properly. Really wanted to break down and cry but yet I did not want to because that would just be delaying the whole crew's progress.
Coming home late every night (or not even coming home at all), I feel so shagged out. I really have not done a single piece of work. My readings are still at week 1. I don't know whether I can catch up come recess week. And now as I try and read an article so as to do my powerpoint slides for my project meeting on Tuesday morning, I feel myself dozing off. I just came home from dancing in school, 7 hours straight, I think I can't really do much tonight. And I don't have much time left.
Nor money. My bank account now says $200+. And I still have not paid Zhenyu the money for the air tickets... How sia. No money for the trip already... And I still need to buy maroon pants for the concert. Imagine if I did not borrow so many clothes... The amount I would have spent now would be equivalent to Kenneth's $300 or more.
It's like, I think pieces of the puzzle are finally starting to come out in patterns suitable for fitting together, but I don't have the capability to do so... Everything seems to be stuck. I wanna do well for dance, but I have such incapacity. But I gotta keep trying. I wanna be able to at least do my school work and project properly, but I have no time and energy. I want to be able to play my new board game, Arkham Horror, but I have no time and energy for it as well. I want to have enough money for grad trip, but money keeps dwindling downwards. I want to take street jazz or waacking lessons once Cactus is over, but my limited amount of money should be set aside for the grad trip... I wanna go for the mass recruitment for cabin crew by SIA but it clashed with dance.
Everything is conflicting.
But I shall not harp on it so much. I know how ENFPs like me think now. Don't let this be a downfall.
I will figure out something when Cactus ends.
Meanwhile, I want Cactus to be a great success. I want the three Dhops items to be awesome possum. I want to be noticed on stage and be remembered for good things. I want to execute all my moves properly. I want to be of crew material, even for a short while.
I want to be remembered that I Was Here.
I was here... I lived, I loved, I was here... I did, I've done...
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Dance, Emo
10:39 PM, Monday, January 23, 2012
Of Where the Fuck Is My Money
I just realised I lost $600 plus to $700 plus. And I have no idea where is it, how I lost it, what happened, etc.
I feel like killing myself.
Why the fuck does this kind of money related stuff keep happening to me at various periods of my life?
It is no use being gullible, morally upright, honest, etc anymore.
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Emo
1:53 AM, Friday, January 20, 2012
Of I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing
What should be an epic, funny video becomes a tear jerker. That's how bad my roller coaster emotions are nowadays.
I sincerely hope that many of the people I have been hanging out with (or was hanging out with in the past semester) can come to the concert and watch me and give me support. It actually really means a lot. But of course I won't be forcing anyone. If people cannot make it (or they don't wanna) there is nothing wrong. With them at least. I am just hoping that the fruits of the current labour can be seen and appreciated, what with all the things I have been missing out. And of course, I do get a nagging feeling that my absence is nothing worth mentioning. I don't know, Nessa keeps telling me I am afraid of people's intentions, which I agree. I construe my own realities and conclusions for the things which are ambiguous, even if these gaps are filled with devilish ideas.
My vivid imagination was thinking that, based on the turnout of the concert, I will know whether I should slowly exit and fade away, cos if that is the case the process would already be happening now and there would not be much struggle come mid February onwards. After all, this was never my group to start with. I invaded the group, I have to leave it someday. My imagination drew this whole story like a drama that has lasted 7 seasons and is now on its 8th. And in dramas, some characters will have to exit the show after a while through one way or another. Perhaps it is time for me as this season becomes my finale season. Just like how Prue must die in Charmed for the actress to exit the show due to her conflicts with the other actresses in real life.
My twin mentions online that she has managed to become more stable over the years while I remain broken (if it was possible I think right now it's more shattered than broken haha). Yeah it's referring to me. And yeah I agree. Nothing wrong there. Anyway it's my fault that sometimes we use blogging as a way to communicate less-than-desirable ideas. I believe I started it first. Stupid right. So yeah, why have I been broken all these while? I think I have been in denial that I am broken all this while, that's why. And this time, I try searching for helping hands. But I don't dare to take those who have accepted me but, apologetically, I have not been able to reciprocate (in terms of opening doors and windows), while I... (am I?) wait for the hands that I think I can trust. Ironic, right?
And meanwhile, interactions in school just don't feel the same as before. Over-sensitivity is a highly probable reason... And I guess it's just being aggravated by my inability to be a part, and to partake in whatever has been and is happening. Had told myself not to think so much when I sent the first Whatsapp message, cos in the end I am only killing myself with my own head, but it nags me and bites me. With a second time, I got a slightly better response... And the perpetual good guy was the first one to give a positive response. I really should thank him, he has been so nice to me (even when he becomes unappreciated). Then a couple more responses come in. But the neurotic side of me also starts to think whether it's out of basic courtesy and stuff like that. Which of course I know I should not be thinking like that. But even in Twitter, I am coming to my own conclusion that I am now being seen as just an attention-seeking whore, and not worth @replying to. Have decided that those eerie hour spams are really just attention-seeking spams, and will not do it anymore.
I guess right now I should just concentrate on practices and stuff. I am actually doing a lot of parts for the items. People usually do either the girls' part and the whole group part or the boys' part and the whole group part, but I am doing all three. In both instructors' items. And plus DDC, that's 3 items in total, with like, very little break. I know secretly I am actually damn happy to be able to perform so much (it's the show-off side coming out), I just hope I can take it, and also handle the costumes I need to get. And thus it's also precisely why I hope people can come and watch. It might be the last time I really get to be in such a show and have such a high appearance rate.
Listening to poor Mervyn HTHT a bit the other day, it reminds me of how I like to say that over-teasing will hurt. Friends do it for the fun of it but we don't realise what happens behind the curtain for the two people teased. And I know I am guilty too. I wish I can help him but I don't think there is any way I can. Other than shutting up, of course. And I wonder what happened between J and I last time. I know it's not important to know but I wish I was not purposely kept out of the loop (which of course, I recognise is just for fun but it's the kaypo me coming out).
I really need to re-learn how to read people's intentions and re-learn how I assess situations. It's not about me. It cannot always be me, me, me. But there is no such thing as a mentor that can live in your head.
We learn in gene-environment interactions that the environment can activate genes, and vice versa, phenotypic expressions of genes can affect the environment you will be in. This seems to speak to me as well, what with my choices, behaviours, responses and actions over the last 7 seasons of this drama serial. I moulded the environment to be like this; like reality shows, I made the other survivors hateful of me and wanting to vote me out during tribal council; I pissed the audience off and they refused to vote for me to stay in the competition; I have no one to blame but myself. The director is probably telling me that it is now time for me to exit.
In about a month's time I guess I will know whether my contract ends and I leave the show for good by the end of the season.
"I don't wanna miss a thing..."
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Dance, Emo
6:30 AM, Monday, January 09, 2012
Of I Cannot Dance
I must also say, I have absolutely zero confidence in my dancing ability now. I look absolutely fucking horrible trying to do
Jolin dances. I had to quit the competition before I get humiliated like in the past. I cannot face that.
My friends has endured such horror long enough. I absolutely don't know what I am good at anymore. Other than emo-ing.
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Dance, Emo
5:40 AM,
Of I am Hopeless and New Year Resolutions
I think my friends are sick of my antics already. And I'm really sorry that they feel that way.
Truthfully, I don't know what has come over me the past few years. A few days ago, I was thinking about this issue, and as I was crying, I realised that there must be something seriously wrong with me. With the way I handle things.
And because I don't like to tell others, my friends have not been able to understand me well, and thus they get sick and tired of my temper. And because I don't like to tell others what's going on, neither will they find me a suitable confidante candidate. So I feel like I can't mix in. And then I start wondering and start guessing. My mind keeps running. And in the end it becomes a vicious cycle and I piss everyone off again.
Twin, I believe the tweet about "laughing it off" is about me. I wish I could man. I'm like... possessed or something. I am very paranoid nowadays. Hence the constant emo-ness and stuff. I don't know what's going on, so I construct my own reality, my own story. And this leads to bad things.
I can't stop thinking, even when I go to sleep. My mind wanders to various issues. And it jumps around. And in the end I feel overwhelmed by everything cos I overstretched myself. And then I retreat. I hide. I give life a miss, I heck what should be important and indulge in things I feel I have more control of, such as games like Tiny Tower.
And in the real world, I constantly wonder and constantly wander again.
It seems like I cannot help it.
I'm not even expressing what I am trying to say fully. But I don't know if you or anyone else get it. I feel like I need talk to Twin or Brudder properly but I can't seem to take that step.
I feel regretful that some of these things keep happening. And especially the past few weeks, I do feel like I'm detached in a way, not being involved in some stuff. Hence I get even more paranoid and start my rants.
I'm worried what keeps happening to me during my last year at each educational institution I went to will happen again this semester. People leave me. And I guess we can look at it in a way that there must be something really fucked up about me, that's why people leave me.
I tend to have very ironic views about money as well. On one hand, I want to hold on to it tightly, feeling very pissed whenever I lose money beyond a small threshold (such as being the biggest loser) and thus flaring up and pissing others off and offending innocent parties. But deep inside I know things like this are normal and should simply be accepted. On the other hand, I do not put priority on finding a good job with proper income, thinking about my future, etc. I seem to nitpick on my cents and heck my dollars. It's another sign of my escaping from reality again.
Been feeling helpless these few days. I don't even know how I should face my uni friends. Of course, it may once again be paranoia on my part, but it could also be them giving up on me.
I don't know what to do when school starts. I've been thinking of talking to one of them properly but I don't know how to broach the topic. I think in the end things will simply be buried over, and then we go on with our lives, without me ever solving this problem of mine. I will take modules with twin, eat together, meet the rest at outings or at the soc room or at the library, and I will be fighting a war inside my head all this while.
I don't even know what to classify my condition as. It's like part depression, part mania, part paranoia, part schizo, and part some of the other disorders I've learnt. I probably should get professional help but somehow I feel it is not going to help because I'm not going to open up to a stranger, and I think I should be mature enough to deal with this myself and with whoever wants to be involved.
Sometimes I feel like I am really being unfair to my friends, and am using them. But I'm not! But my mind is too active again. Cents and stuff should not come in among friends.
Perhaps I have enclosed myself too much in my shell over the years, as I absorb what I view as negativities about myself, store it with me and let them accumulate.
I can't even write happy posts like before. This blog has been emo posts over and over for the past don't know how many years. I seem to harp on the negativity of my life. And in the end I become so depressed suicide is something that pops up often. I know that is not healthy. And I know I most probably won't do it. Because firstly, I fear death. Secondly, I fear what I leave behind. Years of wasted effort and money on my parents' part, grief, etc, plus now is not the right time cos I have not repaid my school loan. Haha.
That's why I should learn to let go, learn to not think so much, learn to laugh it off. I also need to learn to trust, learn to confide, learn to express myself properly, learn to not take certain relationships for granted. I need to learn that I'm small, that I cannot handle everything, that I cannot have everything.
Maybe I should make new year resolutions. And the top few should be:
1) Be less late. I need to be late less often, and not as late as before.
2) Sleep earlier. My body clock is now so totally screwed up I really only sleep when I see the sun rise. And all this uneven hours is contributing to my insomnia as well, apart from my overactive mind.
3) I need to control myself more. This is very much about discipline. To put it in an ugly way, I have no discipline at all. Be it procrastination, emotions, etc.
And there are many others. This list will never end.
Now, how should I deal with myself?
I don't know. I think it's just going to be swallowed in again, waiting to burst.
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Emo
6:39 PM, Saturday, December 24, 2011
Of You Know I Know How!
You don't know I know how~
I don't feel so good about myself right now~
I hate the world I'm living in right now~
I hate the things happening to me right now~
I hate what I am feeling right now~
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh! Oh, oh oh!
Nothing can describe it right now~
:(
Sengedox signing off.
Labels: Emo
12:47 AM, Saturday, November 19, 2011
Of 超乎想象 Fantasy!
December 15, 2011.
"How could this happen? What kind of luck are we having here?! Damn!" The manager cursed. The male dancer and back-up dancer had been hospitalized due to food poisoning earlier that night. "Now I need one more dancer but even the back-up's down, and the other's out of town! The performance is two days away! Go inform the Singapore side. Let them know we have one less male dancer due to unforseen circumstances. See how they can help us. If not, we may just have to scrape the male dancers part."
The assistant hurriedly called the media company in Singapore that was in charge of the collaboration concert. "Do you have any ideas?"
"Hmm, that is problematic indeed. Okay, I will ask around to see if any dance studios here have experienced dancers who are familiar with her songs, maybe we can find a replacement. If not, we will have to change everything. I will let you know by tonight," said Z, the person-in-charge in Singapore. "What the hell!" Z thought to herself. "Ah Ming! Call all the dance studios now and ask if they have dancers experienced with Mandopop available for Saturday night!" As Z explained the situation to Ah Ming, a conversation she had just weeks ago with her friend surfaced in her mind.
"I think I know just the person who can do the job! I will go get him now!" Ah Ming went to call her friend and told her what she needed. "Please, could you link me up with him now?"
My mobile phone rang. Unknown number? I picked it up, ready to say "No thanks, not interested."
"Hi, I'm Ming, calling from PQRS Media Company. I am D's friend. I understand that you know D right?" "Err... Yes? What is this about?" "Ok, we have an urgent situation here and we need your help. You know the concert that's going to be held two days from now? Where one of the special guests is Jolin Tsai? You are a big fan of hers right? You are going for the concert right? Ok, one of our male dancers have fallen sick, and we urgently need someone to replace him. D told me you know all her songs and the dances, so we think you might be suitable for the job. Yes, you will definitely be paid well for such an impromptu notice."
I couldn't believe my ears. Did she just ask me to be a dancer for Jolin? I... I get to stand beside Jolin? I get to see Jolin up close and personal? I... may even get to chat with her backstage?
OMFG.
"OH YES OF COURSE I CAN MAKE IT. I LEARN FAST JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!"
"All right, our dancers will be flying to Singapore tomorrow morning to meet up with you and teach you all the moves and everything then. You gotta be prepared to practise the whole day and night though! The concert's just two days away! We will see you at the place I mentioned at 1pm tomorrow!"
OMFGWTFBBQCHARQUAYTEOWDDR. WOOHOOOOOO!!!!
***
I WISH. Just a fantasy on my part. If it really comes true. I can just die 3 months after the concert. 3 months, so that people won't say Jolin cursed me. HAHAHAHAHA.
Ok I need to go back to studying... :(
Sengedox signing off!
Labels: Dance, Dreams, Fantasy, Jolin
